Mind Matters

The Dip: A Little Book that Teaches You When to Quit (and When to Stick)
Seth Godin
Portfolio (Penguin Group)

It seems Vince Lombardi was wrong after all. Winners DO quit. Godin's teeny, tiny book tells you to quit the wrong stuff, but stick with the right stuff. He exhorts yu to have the guts to do one or the other.
Our culture rewards superstars so being the best at something really matters financially. We learn in school that it is important to be well rounded. This is wrong. Strategic quitting is the secret to success.
When you first start anything new , it's fun. Eventually you come to "the dip," the long slog beftween starting and mastery. Successful people don't just endure the dip; they push through it changing rules as they go.
If you come to a dead end, hard work doesn't help. The situation doesn't get better not does it get worse. It justs lingers as is. If you are in a cul-de-sac, quit. Fast.
Dips create scarcity and scarcity creates value. If you make it through the dip, you can become the best in the world.
The opposite of quitting is rededication. When the pain gets so bad that you want to quit, take chances.
Quitting is not the same as failing. Coping never leads to exceptional performance. Pride is the enemy of the smart quitter.
Three questions to ask: are you panicking? are you trying to influence just one person or a market? what sort of measurable progress are you making? Decide in advance what circumstances would make you quit. We fail when we get distracted by tasks we don't have the guts to quit.

Labels: best in the world, book summary, perseverance, self help

Thinking About Tomorrow: Reinventing Yourself at Midlife
Susan Crandell
Warner Wellness: NY

The author herself left her job as editor of More magazine to freelance and spend more time with her husband. She interviewed a number of what she calls Life Entrepreneurs who had done the same thing. This is midlife opportunity instead of midlife crisis.
Many people were motivated by Sept. 11 to change. Others changed because their spouse had changed first.
Baby boomers drifted into careers. Career counseling was nonexistent. Work occupies most of our lives yet many are discontented. Sometimes the working conditions are disappointing. High tech means no more down time and greater stress.
Fewer family responsibilities and greater savings allow baby boomers to change in midlife. Some just take a timeout. Some may be downsized.
Some boomers come to athletics late in life. Many refuse to acknowledge aging. Medical advances allow boomers to maintain youthful appearance. Hair dye has a great impact. So do lifestyle pharmaceuticals like Rogaine and Viagra.
People can and do have children at a later age. Boomer grandparents are closer to their children and grandchildren. Adult children return home. Many divorce at midlife but may rediscover a lost love. Blended families are frequent. Gays are adopting children.
Boomers have traveled more than earlier generations and continue to do so in adventure vacations, spa vacations, family vacations, foreign vacations. Some become expatriates.
Reinvention occurs on the spiritual level. Volunteerism, giving back, leaving a legacy, finding a higher calling.
Boomers went to college in record numbers. Many decide to continue education at midlife either for enjoyment or for a new career.
A well chosen pastime can revitalize life.
Some extremists step well outside comfort zone. Take physical challenges like becoming triathlete.
Almost everyone experienced uncertainty on their way to satisfying future. Sharing stories can demystify the process. Life entrepreneurs need to share the scary stuff. Advice is to take ninety days before evaluating how life change is going. Exercise, eat well, engage in spiritual practice to take care of self.
Now is time to think about what moves and motivates you. How can you combine your aspirations and skills to find a job that makes you happy.
What is most meaningful to you? Is it learning? Helping others? Calling own shots? Working with others or alone? Security or risk? How much money do you need to make?
It is easy to postpone decision but reinventers have an aha moment that motivates them to change. Too many choices can be immobilizing. Can work with a life coach. Can join a group. Can go on a retreat. Think big, start small. Don’t have to have full picture at the beginning. Be open to options. Make adjustments. Avoid thinking with blinders on. Resist hopelessness.

Labels: baby boomers, book summary, midlife crisis, reinventing, selfhelp

Women Who Think Too Much
Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, Ph.D.
Henry Holt and Company, New York, 2003

The author says women are more prone to overthinking or morbid meditation than men. Topics include appearance, family, career, health. Overthinking is toxic and interferes with ability to solve problems and can drive other people away.
Types of overthinking: 1. rant & rave-we think we’ve been wronged; 2. life of its own-we feel upset or ponder a recent event for causes; 3. chaotic-all kinds of concerns flood us at the same time.
Overthinking is not the same as worry. Worry is what if—future oriented. Overthinking is past oriented.
Overthinking is not obsessive-compulsive disorder. Those with OCD focus on external events and thoughts are unwelcome such as thoughts of germs.
Overthinking is not deep thinking. Negative emotion distorts lens and doesn’t allow us to look at any positive aspects.
Overthinking makes trauma worse, causes less support from others, contributes to depression.
Overthinking is more common in the young and middle aged. Fewer than 20 % of people born before 1915 suffered depression.
Causes of current overthinking: lack of values to guide decisions, entitlement obsession, need for quick fixes, self absorption.
To free yourself: give it a rest-use pleasant distractions, get up and get moving, create internal stop sign-interrupt yourself, set an appointment to think about a problem, pray or meditate, lean on others, commit thoughts to paper, seek out positive emotions.
Once free of overthinking, adjust focus, choose your perspective, feel pain and move on, simplify, stop comparing yourself to others, stop waiting to be rescued, brainstorm for solutions, connect to higher values, take baby steps, lower expectations, forgive, escape “shoulds.”
Avoid future traps and avoid common themes, seek expert help, let go of unhealthy goals, be good to yourself; find the story that answers your why questions through psychotherapy, biology, research; expand your roles, find new friends, create a new image.
Overthinking is common in intimate relationships.. Difficult to choose life partner if you are not sure of who you are or what you believe. Once you find a partner, don’t look for a quick fix like drugs, drink, or divorce when problems arise. Society and media give us standards that are impossible to meet. Many women still financially dependent on a partner. If not financially, may be emotionally dependent and need partner’s approval. We can never change someone else, only ourselves. Find activities to do alone but also activities to share.
Parents and siblings can evoke strong emotions. To grow into a mature adult, must acknowledge past and foibles of one’s family, decide what to embrace and what to reject.
Your children’s behavior may affect your self worth. Can’t control their behavior. Complexity of modern life makes parenting difficult. Women more often held responsible for children’s behavior than men are. Don’t compare one child to another. Base expectations on who the child is. Cultivate more complex view of each family member, strengths and weaknesses.
Workplace is ripe ground for overthinking. Less stability. Sense of entitlement-we shouldn’t have to work as hard as our parents. Comparison with others. Reliance on quick fix-everything will be better at a new job. Gender discrimination particular problem for women.
Overthinking health problems can delay seeking help, prevent getting a second opinion. Telling concerns to others helps them seem more manageable. Aim to regain sense of control over life.
Loss and trauma violates our belief that we are in control. The world isn’t just. Mourning takes time. Coping leads to personal growth, better perspective.
Our society places little value on the wisdom of the elderly. Need to learn better value system. Spend some time alone. Provide service to others. Rise above entitlement. Focus on long term goals. Join forces with other women and change self-definitions. Encourage daughters.

Labels: book summary, overthinking, positive psychology, women

“Why Do I Keep Doing That? Why Do I Keep Doing That? Breaking the Negative Patterns in Your Life”
Dennis Wholey
2007
Health Communications, Inc., Deerfield Beach, FL
dennis@thisisamerica.net

Wholey says 15% of US population is currently seeking mental health help. Most are dealing with the compulsion to repeat harmful behavior.

Wholey, a recovering alcoholic, has written five other books about personal change and spiritual growth. For this one, he interviewed 17 psychologists, therapists, and physicians. He relates how his own therapist introduced him to “the repetition compulsion,” a term coined by Freud.

Freud believed human beings repeat the same dynamics as adults that they experienced as children. Wholey agrees we all do this.
Freud’s principles include the pleasure principle—seek pleasure, avoid pain; reality principle—short term pain for long tern gain; repetition compulsion-do same negative actions—abusive relationships, wrong jobs; always late, sick or drunk; money problems, overeating

Negative action is actually a symptom. It is relieving the anxiety of an inner conflict. Health starts with intellectual and emotional understanding of why we do what we do.

One explanation doesn’t cover all—menu of possibilities: childhood programming, parental expectations, genetics/DNA, low self worth, familiarity, addiction, avoiding pleasure, conformity, rebellion, failed strategies, gratification, masochism, mastery.

Mastery=each time you repeat, you learn something and eventually solve the underlying conflict. The pattern was probably established when the person was a child and the best the person could do to cope at that age.

Comfort zone=what you learned from parents, siblings, and other key people at age 1-3. If parents are present and attentive, they compensate for what the child sees in media. If you grew up in bad circumstances, that becomes your comfort zone and good feelings create anxiety. It often takes a crisis to get people to change. Tremendous undertow drags people back to their comfort zone.

Genetics: being self-directed is about 50% genetic. People with an effective gene for importing serotonin are more self directed. Change serotonin levels by doing things that make you happy or at which you are effective.

Activities that release dopamine are satisfying. Addictive behaviors happen when brain cells that receive dopamine are used up.

People who burn fat more slowly are hungrier. Serotonin is involved in depression, anxiety, but also hunger and overeating.

Self esteem is formed from messages in childhood. High self esteem=feeling you can handle what life gives you.

Self defeating behaviors: there is a spectrum of behaviors—10% very self destructive, 10%-no dramatic effect, bell shaped curve in between. At one end are harmless habits or rituals. At the other end are addictions, compulsions, obsessions. Addiction=behavior you want to stop but can’t. Even injurious behavior may provide a reward. All addictions work for a while until you cross line and can’t quit.

Between an original event and a person’s later behavior is interpretation of the individual, and that’s not predictable. One child of an alcoholic becomes an alcoholic; another becomes a teetotaler. But everyone who comes from a troubled home pays a price.

Parental expectations: people often enter the career their parents expected. That expectation may not have been implicit; it may only have been implied. Work is how we define ourselves. Physical symptoms may point to career mismatch. By identifying key people in your early life, you can figure out what expectations guided you to become who you are today. Or take a feelings inventory-is there a dominant feeling in your life? Is it related to a person, situation, behavior?

Both optimism and pessimism can be learned or unlearned.

Masochism: a child who only knew punishment will likely create self punishment as an adult such as putting up with disrespect, being overly apologetic, fear of criticism.

Two forms of bad relationships- withdrawing and too little communication or over dependence. Remember back to relationship between your own mother and father. Was it similar to your relationships? Healthy families=parents treat each other with dignity, family is refuge, affirms unique qualities of individual, unconditional love. Dysfunctional family teaches relationships entail struggle and pain

Characteristics of addictive relationship-unrealistic expectation that the right person can fix everything; instant gratification-partner is a drug to change your mood; dishonest-both lie about who they really are; compulsive control-not let other person change; lack of trust-you don’t really love me; social isolation; recurring cycle of pain-intense pleasure to intense pain, disillusionment, blaming. To change this pattern-identify the type you get involved with and avoid like the plague, abstain from the rush.

Unintended consequences of a failed strategy-you get pain from doing same thing over and over but avoid even more pain by doing what you’re doing. Perfectionism-so afraid of making a mistake that you become paralyzed. You can’t be responsible for everything that happens to you. Nobody has that kind of power.

Notice your behavior rather than asking why. Pay attention to what is actually happening now. That allows you to interrupt repetitive behavior.

Change is possible. Therapy and medication can help. But it is easy to backslide-can’t envision our life without the behavior. Change requires letting go and leaving some things or people behind.

Wholey says don’t try to go it alone. Seek support from family, friends or a group. Have compassion for yourself. Change requires courage and humility. Keep track of your progress. Use affirmations.

Deep issues never completely go away. You must be vigilant. Stop to evaluate a situation and try to make a healthier choice when you are feeling vulnerable.

Permission to Reprint: Journalists, newsletter publishers, bloggers and others: You may reprint this summary providing you give credit to Frances O. Thomas.

Labels: addiction, book summary, change, Dennis Wholey, positive psychology