Sunday, July 22, 2007
Women Who Think Too Much book summary
Women Who Think Too Much
Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, Ph.D.
Henry Holt and Company, New York, 2003
The author says women are more prone to overthinking or morbid meditation than men. Topics include appearance, family, career, health. Overthinking is toxic and interferes with ability to solve problems and can drive other people away.
Types of overthinking: 1. rant & rave-we think we’ve been wronged; 2. life of its own-we feel upset or ponder a recent event for causes; 3. chaotic-all kinds of concerns flood us at the same time.
Overthinking is not the same as worry. Worry is what if—future oriented. Overthinking is past oriented.
Overthinking is not obsessive-compulsive disorder. Those with OCD focus on external events and thoughts are unwelcome such as thoughts of germs.
Overthinking is not deep thinking. Negative emotion distorts lens and doesn’t allow us to look at any positive aspects.
Overthinking makes trauma worse, causes less support from others, contributes to depression.
Overthinking is more common in the young and middle aged. Fewer than 20 % of people born before 1915 suffered depression.
Causes of current overthinking: lack of values to guide decisions, entitlement obsession, need for quick fixes, self absorption.
To free yourself: give it a rest-use pleasant distractions, get up and get moving, create internal stop sign-interrupt yourself, set an appointment to think about a problem, pray or meditate, lean on others, commit thoughts to paper, seek out positive emotions.
Once free of overthinking, adjust focus, choose your perspective, feel pain and move on, simplify, stop comparing yourself to others, stop waiting to be rescued, brainstorm for solutions, connect to higher values, take baby steps, lower expectations, forgive, escape “shoulds.”
Avoid future traps and avoid common themes, seek expert help, let go of unhealthy goals, be good to yourself; find the story that answers your why questions through psychotherapy, biology, research; expand your roles, find new friends, create a new image.
Overthinking is common in intimate relationships.. Difficult to choose life partner if you are not sure of who you are or what you believe. Once you find a partner, don’t look for a quick fix like drugs, drink, or divorce when problems arise. Society and media give us standards that are impossible to meet. Many women still financially dependent on a partner. If not financially, may be emotionally dependent and need partner’s approval. We can never change someone else, only ourselves. Find activities to do alone but also activities to share.
Parents and siblings can evoke strong emotions. To grow into a mature adult, must acknowledge past and foibles of one’s family, decide what to embrace and what to reject.
Your children’s behavior may affect your self worth. Can’t control their behavior. Complexity of modern life makes parenting difficult. Women more often held responsible for children’s behavior than men are. Don’t compare one child to another. Base expectations on who the child is. Cultivate more complex view of each family member, strengths and weaknesses.
Workplace is ripe ground for overthinking. Less stability. Sense of entitlement-we shouldn’t have to work as hard as our parents. Comparison with others. Reliance on quick fix-everything will be better at a new job. Gender discrimination particular problem for women.
Overthinking health problems can delay seeking help, prevent getting a second opinion. Telling concerns to others helps them seem more manageable. Aim to regain sense of control over life.
Loss and trauma violates our belief that we are in control. The world isn’t just. Mourning takes time. Coping leads to personal growth, better perspective.
Our society places little value on the wisdom of the elderly. Need to learn better value system. Spend some time alone. Provide service to others. Rise above entitlement. Focus on long term goals. Join forces with other women and change self-definitions. Encourage daughters.
Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, Ph.D.
Henry Holt and Company, New York, 2003
The author says women are more prone to overthinking or morbid meditation than men. Topics include appearance, family, career, health. Overthinking is toxic and interferes with ability to solve problems and can drive other people away.
Types of overthinking: 1. rant & rave-we think we’ve been wronged; 2. life of its own-we feel upset or ponder a recent event for causes; 3. chaotic-all kinds of concerns flood us at the same time.
Overthinking is not the same as worry. Worry is what if—future oriented. Overthinking is past oriented.
Overthinking is not obsessive-compulsive disorder. Those with OCD focus on external events and thoughts are unwelcome such as thoughts of germs.
Overthinking is not deep thinking. Negative emotion distorts lens and doesn’t allow us to look at any positive aspects.
Overthinking makes trauma worse, causes less support from others, contributes to depression.
Overthinking is more common in the young and middle aged. Fewer than 20 % of people born before 1915 suffered depression.
Causes of current overthinking: lack of values to guide decisions, entitlement obsession, need for quick fixes, self absorption.
To free yourself: give it a rest-use pleasant distractions, get up and get moving, create internal stop sign-interrupt yourself, set an appointment to think about a problem, pray or meditate, lean on others, commit thoughts to paper, seek out positive emotions.
Once free of overthinking, adjust focus, choose your perspective, feel pain and move on, simplify, stop comparing yourself to others, stop waiting to be rescued, brainstorm for solutions, connect to higher values, take baby steps, lower expectations, forgive, escape “shoulds.”
Avoid future traps and avoid common themes, seek expert help, let go of unhealthy goals, be good to yourself; find the story that answers your why questions through psychotherapy, biology, research; expand your roles, find new friends, create a new image.
Overthinking is common in intimate relationships.. Difficult to choose life partner if you are not sure of who you are or what you believe. Once you find a partner, don’t look for a quick fix like drugs, drink, or divorce when problems arise. Society and media give us standards that are impossible to meet. Many women still financially dependent on a partner. If not financially, may be emotionally dependent and need partner’s approval. We can never change someone else, only ourselves. Find activities to do alone but also activities to share.
Parents and siblings can evoke strong emotions. To grow into a mature adult, must acknowledge past and foibles of one’s family, decide what to embrace and what to reject.
Your children’s behavior may affect your self worth. Can’t control their behavior. Complexity of modern life makes parenting difficult. Women more often held responsible for children’s behavior than men are. Don’t compare one child to another. Base expectations on who the child is. Cultivate more complex view of each family member, strengths and weaknesses.
Workplace is ripe ground for overthinking. Less stability. Sense of entitlement-we shouldn’t have to work as hard as our parents. Comparison with others. Reliance on quick fix-everything will be better at a new job. Gender discrimination particular problem for women.
Overthinking health problems can delay seeking help, prevent getting a second opinion. Telling concerns to others helps them seem more manageable. Aim to regain sense of control over life.
Loss and trauma violates our belief that we are in control. The world isn’t just. Mourning takes time. Coping leads to personal growth, better perspective.
Our society places little value on the wisdom of the elderly. Need to learn better value system. Spend some time alone. Provide service to others. Rise above entitlement. Focus on long term goals. Join forces with other women and change self-definitions. Encourage daughters.
Labels: book summary, overthinking, positive psychology, women
Sunday, July 01, 2007
Psychhology book review--What Happy Women Know
What Happy Women Know: How New Findings in Positive Psychology Can Change Women’s Lives for the Better
Dan Baker, PhD and Cathy Greenberg, PhD with Ina Yalof
2007
Rodale
Baker and Greenberg have previously collaborated on What Happy People Know and What Happy Couples Know. Baker conducted his research at the Canyon Ranch’s Life Enhancement program.
The justification for a book specific to women is that female brains are so different from male. Because of the differences, what makes a man happy may not make a woman happy. Among the differences: more neurons for language and hearing in females, larger prefrontal cortex gives women more self control and at an earlier age, far less brain space devoted to sex drive, larger hippocampus gives women more emotional memory, smaller amygdale gives women less aggression and risk taking.
Six traps commonly lead women to unhappiness: The authors call these the “if onlys,” i.e., if only I were thinner. Most traps are based on the fear of not being enough. The tools to avoid these traps are taken from the field of positive psychology.
The traps are perfectionism, thinking that material things will bring happiness, trying to please everyone, revenge, putting all one’s hopes on another person, and investing all one’s energy in one’s job.
To combat perfectionism, try Kaizen, continual improvement through small steps. Setting high standards is not the same as perfectionism. Goals must be reachable. Positive self talk helps.
To free yourself from the money trap, focus on what you do have rather than what you don’t.
People pleasing can come from fear of abandonment, fear of being exclusion, or fear of anger and confrontation. To have a relationship with yourself, make good decisions about eating and exercise, stimulate your brain, and learn what you need to find peace. Saying no to others allows you to say yes to yourself. When ethics or morals force you to be a caretaker, take equal care of yourself.
Four situations can erode your power: VERB=victimization, entitlement, rescue and blame. Rather than seek revenge, “let it go.” Forgive others and yourself. Positive psychology says to lead with your strengths instead of trying to fix your weaknesses. Make a commitment to yourself; nurture your passion; live a life of purpose.
Ask yourself what combination of work and family suits your needs. You can have it all, just not at the same time. Your job is not your identity.
Grief is inevitable .If you love, you will eventually lose someone or something. You can transcend grief. What can you learn from the experience? Try a gratitude journal or a random act of kindness. Create meaning in your life.
Positive emotions help both physically and mentally. To move closer to optimism, switch thoughts, switch gears, switch friends, or “act as if” things are already great.
Ten qualities of happy women: belief in self, knowing your true north, taking personal responsibility, having courage, being altruistic, embracing optimism, being proactive, appreciating life, sharing wisdom, persevering.
Permission to Reprint: Journalists, newsletter publishers, bloggers and others: You may reprint the above providing you give credit to Frances O. Thomas.
Dan Baker, PhD and Cathy Greenberg, PhD with Ina Yalof
2007
Rodale
Baker and Greenberg have previously collaborated on What Happy People Know and What Happy Couples Know. Baker conducted his research at the Canyon Ranch’s Life Enhancement program.
The justification for a book specific to women is that female brains are so different from male. Because of the differences, what makes a man happy may not make a woman happy. Among the differences: more neurons for language and hearing in females, larger prefrontal cortex gives women more self control and at an earlier age, far less brain space devoted to sex drive, larger hippocampus gives women more emotional memory, smaller amygdale gives women less aggression and risk taking.
Six traps commonly lead women to unhappiness: The authors call these the “if onlys,” i.e., if only I were thinner. Most traps are based on the fear of not being enough. The tools to avoid these traps are taken from the field of positive psychology.
The traps are perfectionism, thinking that material things will bring happiness, trying to please everyone, revenge, putting all one’s hopes on another person, and investing all one’s energy in one’s job.
To combat perfectionism, try Kaizen, continual improvement through small steps. Setting high standards is not the same as perfectionism. Goals must be reachable. Positive self talk helps.
To free yourself from the money trap, focus on what you do have rather than what you don’t.
People pleasing can come from fear of abandonment, fear of being exclusion, or fear of anger and confrontation. To have a relationship with yourself, make good decisions about eating and exercise, stimulate your brain, and learn what you need to find peace. Saying no to others allows you to say yes to yourself. When ethics or morals force you to be a caretaker, take equal care of yourself.
Four situations can erode your power: VERB=victimization, entitlement, rescue and blame. Rather than seek revenge, “let it go.” Forgive others and yourself. Positive psychology says to lead with your strengths instead of trying to fix your weaknesses. Make a commitment to yourself; nurture your passion; live a life of purpose.
Ask yourself what combination of work and family suits your needs. You can have it all, just not at the same time. Your job is not your identity.
Grief is inevitable .If you love, you will eventually lose someone or something. You can transcend grief. What can you learn from the experience? Try a gratitude journal or a random act of kindness. Create meaning in your life.
Positive emotions help both physically and mentally. To move closer to optimism, switch thoughts, switch gears, switch friends, or “act as if” things are already great.
Ten qualities of happy women: belief in self, knowing your true north, taking personal responsibility, having courage, being altruistic, embracing optimism, being proactive, appreciating life, sharing wisdom, persevering.
Permission to Reprint: Journalists, newsletter publishers, bloggers and others: You may reprint the above providing you give credit to Frances O. Thomas.
Labels: book review, happiness, positive psychology, women
Monday, June 25, 2007
Psychology book summary of "Why Do I Keep Doing That?"
“Why Do I Keep Doing That? Why Do I Keep Doing That? Breaking the Negative Patterns in Your Life”
Dennis Wholey
2007
Health Communications, Inc., Deerfield Beach, FL
dennis@thisisamerica.net
Wholey says 15% of US population is currently seeking mental health help. Most are dealing with the compulsion to repeat harmful behavior.
Wholey, a recovering alcoholic, has written five other books about personal change and spiritual growth. For this one, he interviewed 17 psychologists, therapists, and physicians. He relates how his own therapist introduced him to “the repetition compulsion,” a term coined by Freud.
Freud believed human beings repeat the same dynamics as adults that they experienced as children. Wholey agrees we all do this.
Freud’s principles include the pleasure principle—seek pleasure, avoid pain; reality principle—short term pain for long tern gain; repetition compulsion-do same negative actions—abusive relationships, wrong jobs; always late, sick or drunk; money problems, overeating
Negative action is actually a symptom. It is relieving the anxiety of an inner conflict. Health starts with intellectual and emotional understanding of why we do what we do.
One explanation doesn’t cover all—menu of possibilities: childhood programming, parental expectations, genetics/DNA, low self worth, familiarity, addiction, avoiding pleasure, conformity, rebellion, failed strategies, gratification, masochism, mastery.
Mastery=each time you repeat, you learn something and eventually solve the underlying conflict. The pattern was probably established when the person was a child and the best the person could do to cope at that age.
Comfort zone=what you learned from parents, siblings, and other key people at age 1-3. If parents are present and attentive, they compensate for what the child sees in media. If you grew up in bad circumstances, that becomes your comfort zone and good feelings create anxiety. It often takes a crisis to get people to change. Tremendous undertow drags people back to their comfort zone.
Genetics: being self-directed is about 50% genetic. People with an effective gene for importing serotonin are more self directed. Change serotonin levels by doing things that make you happy or at which you are effective.
Activities that release dopamine are satisfying. Addictive behaviors happen when brain cells that receive dopamine are used up.
People who burn fat more slowly are hungrier. Serotonin is involved in depression, anxiety, but also hunger and overeating.
Self esteem is formed from messages in childhood. High self esteem=feeling you can handle what life gives you.
Self defeating behaviors: there is a spectrum of behaviors—10% very self destructive, 10%-no dramatic effect, bell shaped curve in between. At one end are harmless habits or rituals. At the other end are addictions, compulsions, obsessions. Addiction=behavior you want to stop but can’t. Even injurious behavior may provide a reward. All addictions work for a while until you cross line and can’t quit.
Between an original event and a person’s later behavior is interpretation of the individual, and that’s not predictable. One child of an alcoholic becomes an alcoholic; another becomes a teetotaler. But everyone who comes from a troubled home pays a price.
Parental expectations: people often enter the career their parents expected. That expectation may not have been implicit; it may only have been implied. Work is how we define ourselves. Physical symptoms may point to career mismatch. By identifying key people in your early life, you can figure out what expectations guided you to become who you are today. Or take a feelings inventory-is there a dominant feeling in your life? Is it related to a person, situation, behavior?
Both optimism and pessimism can be learned or unlearned.
Masochism: a child who only knew punishment will likely create self punishment as an adult such as putting up with disrespect, being overly apologetic, fear of criticism.
Two forms of bad relationships- withdrawing and too little communication or over dependence. Remember back to relationship between your own mother and father. Was it similar to your relationships? Healthy families=parents treat each other with dignity, family is refuge, affirms unique qualities of individual, unconditional love. Dysfunctional family teaches relationships entail struggle and pain
Characteristics of addictive relationship-unrealistic expectation that the right person can fix everything; instant gratification-partner is a drug to change your mood; dishonest-both lie about who they really are; compulsive control-not let other person change; lack of trust-you don’t really love me; social isolation; recurring cycle of pain-intense pleasure to intense pain, disillusionment, blaming. To change this pattern-identify the type you get involved with and avoid like the plague, abstain from the rush.
Unintended consequences of a failed strategy-you get pain from doing same thing over and over but avoid even more pain by doing what you’re doing. Perfectionism-so afraid of making a mistake that you become paralyzed. You can’t be responsible for everything that happens to you. Nobody has that kind of power.
Notice your behavior rather than asking why. Pay attention to what is actually happening now. That allows you to interrupt repetitive behavior.
Change is possible. Therapy and medication can help. But it is easy to backslide-can’t envision our life without the behavior. Change requires letting go and leaving some things or people behind.
Wholey says don’t try to go it alone. Seek support from family, friends or a group. Have compassion for yourself. Change requires courage and humility. Keep track of your progress. Use affirmations.
Deep issues never completely go away. You must be vigilant. Stop to evaluate a situation and try to make a healthier choice when you are feeling vulnerable.
Permission to Reprint: Journalists, newsletter publishers, bloggers and others: You may reprint this summary providing you give credit to Frances O. Thomas.
Dennis Wholey
2007
Health Communications, Inc., Deerfield Beach, FL
dennis@thisisamerica.net
Wholey says 15% of US population is currently seeking mental health help. Most are dealing with the compulsion to repeat harmful behavior.
Wholey, a recovering alcoholic, has written five other books about personal change and spiritual growth. For this one, he interviewed 17 psychologists, therapists, and physicians. He relates how his own therapist introduced him to “the repetition compulsion,” a term coined by Freud.
Freud believed human beings repeat the same dynamics as adults that they experienced as children. Wholey agrees we all do this.
Freud’s principles include the pleasure principle—seek pleasure, avoid pain; reality principle—short term pain for long tern gain; repetition compulsion-do same negative actions—abusive relationships, wrong jobs; always late, sick or drunk; money problems, overeating
Negative action is actually a symptom. It is relieving the anxiety of an inner conflict. Health starts with intellectual and emotional understanding of why we do what we do.
One explanation doesn’t cover all—menu of possibilities: childhood programming, parental expectations, genetics/DNA, low self worth, familiarity, addiction, avoiding pleasure, conformity, rebellion, failed strategies, gratification, masochism, mastery.
Mastery=each time you repeat, you learn something and eventually solve the underlying conflict. The pattern was probably established when the person was a child and the best the person could do to cope at that age.
Comfort zone=what you learned from parents, siblings, and other key people at age 1-3. If parents are present and attentive, they compensate for what the child sees in media. If you grew up in bad circumstances, that becomes your comfort zone and good feelings create anxiety. It often takes a crisis to get people to change. Tremendous undertow drags people back to their comfort zone.
Genetics: being self-directed is about 50% genetic. People with an effective gene for importing serotonin are more self directed. Change serotonin levels by doing things that make you happy or at which you are effective.
Activities that release dopamine are satisfying. Addictive behaviors happen when brain cells that receive dopamine are used up.
People who burn fat more slowly are hungrier. Serotonin is involved in depression, anxiety, but also hunger and overeating.
Self esteem is formed from messages in childhood. High self esteem=feeling you can handle what life gives you.
Self defeating behaviors: there is a spectrum of behaviors—10% very self destructive, 10%-no dramatic effect, bell shaped curve in between. At one end are harmless habits or rituals. At the other end are addictions, compulsions, obsessions. Addiction=behavior you want to stop but can’t. Even injurious behavior may provide a reward. All addictions work for a while until you cross line and can’t quit.
Between an original event and a person’s later behavior is interpretation of the individual, and that’s not predictable. One child of an alcoholic becomes an alcoholic; another becomes a teetotaler. But everyone who comes from a troubled home pays a price.
Parental expectations: people often enter the career their parents expected. That expectation may not have been implicit; it may only have been implied. Work is how we define ourselves. Physical symptoms may point to career mismatch. By identifying key people in your early life, you can figure out what expectations guided you to become who you are today. Or take a feelings inventory-is there a dominant feeling in your life? Is it related to a person, situation, behavior?
Both optimism and pessimism can be learned or unlearned.
Masochism: a child who only knew punishment will likely create self punishment as an adult such as putting up with disrespect, being overly apologetic, fear of criticism.
Two forms of bad relationships- withdrawing and too little communication or over dependence. Remember back to relationship between your own mother and father. Was it similar to your relationships? Healthy families=parents treat each other with dignity, family is refuge, affirms unique qualities of individual, unconditional love. Dysfunctional family teaches relationships entail struggle and pain
Characteristics of addictive relationship-unrealistic expectation that the right person can fix everything; instant gratification-partner is a drug to change your mood; dishonest-both lie about who they really are; compulsive control-not let other person change; lack of trust-you don’t really love me; social isolation; recurring cycle of pain-intense pleasure to intense pain, disillusionment, blaming. To change this pattern-identify the type you get involved with and avoid like the plague, abstain from the rush.
Unintended consequences of a failed strategy-you get pain from doing same thing over and over but avoid even more pain by doing what you’re doing. Perfectionism-so afraid of making a mistake that you become paralyzed. You can’t be responsible for everything that happens to you. Nobody has that kind of power.
Notice your behavior rather than asking why. Pay attention to what is actually happening now. That allows you to interrupt repetitive behavior.
Change is possible. Therapy and medication can help. But it is easy to backslide-can’t envision our life without the behavior. Change requires letting go and leaving some things or people behind.
Wholey says don’t try to go it alone. Seek support from family, friends or a group. Have compassion for yourself. Change requires courage and humility. Keep track of your progress. Use affirmations.
Deep issues never completely go away. You must be vigilant. Stop to evaluate a situation and try to make a healthier choice when you are feeling vulnerable.
Permission to Reprint: Journalists, newsletter publishers, bloggers and others: You may reprint this summary providing you give credit to Frances O. Thomas.
Labels: addiction, book summary, change, Dennis Wholey, positive psychology
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