Monday, June 25, 2007
Psychology book summary of "Why Do I Keep Doing That?"
“Why Do I Keep Doing That? Why Do I Keep Doing That? Breaking the Negative Patterns in Your Life”
Dennis Wholey
2007
Health Communications, Inc., Deerfield Beach, FL
dennis@thisisamerica.net
Wholey says 15% of US population is currently seeking mental health help. Most are dealing with the compulsion to repeat harmful behavior.
Wholey, a recovering alcoholic, has written five other books about personal change and spiritual growth. For this one, he interviewed 17 psychologists, therapists, and physicians. He relates how his own therapist introduced him to “the repetition compulsion,” a term coined by Freud.
Freud believed human beings repeat the same dynamics as adults that they experienced as children. Wholey agrees we all do this.
Freud’s principles include the pleasure principle—seek pleasure, avoid pain; reality principle—short term pain for long tern gain; repetition compulsion-do same negative actions—abusive relationships, wrong jobs; always late, sick or drunk; money problems, overeating
Negative action is actually a symptom. It is relieving the anxiety of an inner conflict. Health starts with intellectual and emotional understanding of why we do what we do.
One explanation doesn’t cover all—menu of possibilities: childhood programming, parental expectations, genetics/DNA, low self worth, familiarity, addiction, avoiding pleasure, conformity, rebellion, failed strategies, gratification, masochism, mastery.
Mastery=each time you repeat, you learn something and eventually solve the underlying conflict. The pattern was probably established when the person was a child and the best the person could do to cope at that age.
Comfort zone=what you learned from parents, siblings, and other key people at age 1-3. If parents are present and attentive, they compensate for what the child sees in media. If you grew up in bad circumstances, that becomes your comfort zone and good feelings create anxiety. It often takes a crisis to get people to change. Tremendous undertow drags people back to their comfort zone.
Genetics: being self-directed is about 50% genetic. People with an effective gene for importing serotonin are more self directed. Change serotonin levels by doing things that make you happy or at which you are effective.
Activities that release dopamine are satisfying. Addictive behaviors happen when brain cells that receive dopamine are used up.
People who burn fat more slowly are hungrier. Serotonin is involved in depression, anxiety, but also hunger and overeating.
Self esteem is formed from messages in childhood. High self esteem=feeling you can handle what life gives you.
Self defeating behaviors: there is a spectrum of behaviors—10% very self destructive, 10%-no dramatic effect, bell shaped curve in between. At one end are harmless habits or rituals. At the other end are addictions, compulsions, obsessions. Addiction=behavior you want to stop but can’t. Even injurious behavior may provide a reward. All addictions work for a while until you cross line and can’t quit.
Between an original event and a person’s later behavior is interpretation of the individual, and that’s not predictable. One child of an alcoholic becomes an alcoholic; another becomes a teetotaler. But everyone who comes from a troubled home pays a price.
Parental expectations: people often enter the career their parents expected. That expectation may not have been implicit; it may only have been implied. Work is how we define ourselves. Physical symptoms may point to career mismatch. By identifying key people in your early life, you can figure out what expectations guided you to become who you are today. Or take a feelings inventory-is there a dominant feeling in your life? Is it related to a person, situation, behavior?
Both optimism and pessimism can be learned or unlearned.
Masochism: a child who only knew punishment will likely create self punishment as an adult such as putting up with disrespect, being overly apologetic, fear of criticism.
Two forms of bad relationships- withdrawing and too little communication or over dependence. Remember back to relationship between your own mother and father. Was it similar to your relationships? Healthy families=parents treat each other with dignity, family is refuge, affirms unique qualities of individual, unconditional love. Dysfunctional family teaches relationships entail struggle and pain
Characteristics of addictive relationship-unrealistic expectation that the right person can fix everything; instant gratification-partner is a drug to change your mood; dishonest-both lie about who they really are; compulsive control-not let other person change; lack of trust-you don’t really love me; social isolation; recurring cycle of pain-intense pleasure to intense pain, disillusionment, blaming. To change this pattern-identify the type you get involved with and avoid like the plague, abstain from the rush.
Unintended consequences of a failed strategy-you get pain from doing same thing over and over but avoid even more pain by doing what you’re doing. Perfectionism-so afraid of making a mistake that you become paralyzed. You can’t be responsible for everything that happens to you. Nobody has that kind of power.
Notice your behavior rather than asking why. Pay attention to what is actually happening now. That allows you to interrupt repetitive behavior.
Change is possible. Therapy and medication can help. But it is easy to backslide-can’t envision our life without the behavior. Change requires letting go and leaving some things or people behind.
Wholey says don’t try to go it alone. Seek support from family, friends or a group. Have compassion for yourself. Change requires courage and humility. Keep track of your progress. Use affirmations.
Deep issues never completely go away. You must be vigilant. Stop to evaluate a situation and try to make a healthier choice when you are feeling vulnerable.
Permission to Reprint: Journalists, newsletter publishers, bloggers and others: You may reprint this summary providing you give credit to Frances O. Thomas.
Dennis Wholey
2007
Health Communications, Inc., Deerfield Beach, FL
dennis@thisisamerica.net
Wholey says 15% of US population is currently seeking mental health help. Most are dealing with the compulsion to repeat harmful behavior.
Wholey, a recovering alcoholic, has written five other books about personal change and spiritual growth. For this one, he interviewed 17 psychologists, therapists, and physicians. He relates how his own therapist introduced him to “the repetition compulsion,” a term coined by Freud.
Freud believed human beings repeat the same dynamics as adults that they experienced as children. Wholey agrees we all do this.
Freud’s principles include the pleasure principle—seek pleasure, avoid pain; reality principle—short term pain for long tern gain; repetition compulsion-do same negative actions—abusive relationships, wrong jobs; always late, sick or drunk; money problems, overeating
Negative action is actually a symptom. It is relieving the anxiety of an inner conflict. Health starts with intellectual and emotional understanding of why we do what we do.
One explanation doesn’t cover all—menu of possibilities: childhood programming, parental expectations, genetics/DNA, low self worth, familiarity, addiction, avoiding pleasure, conformity, rebellion, failed strategies, gratification, masochism, mastery.
Mastery=each time you repeat, you learn something and eventually solve the underlying conflict. The pattern was probably established when the person was a child and the best the person could do to cope at that age.
Comfort zone=what you learned from parents, siblings, and other key people at age 1-3. If parents are present and attentive, they compensate for what the child sees in media. If you grew up in bad circumstances, that becomes your comfort zone and good feelings create anxiety. It often takes a crisis to get people to change. Tremendous undertow drags people back to their comfort zone.
Genetics: being self-directed is about 50% genetic. People with an effective gene for importing serotonin are more self directed. Change serotonin levels by doing things that make you happy or at which you are effective.
Activities that release dopamine are satisfying. Addictive behaviors happen when brain cells that receive dopamine are used up.
People who burn fat more slowly are hungrier. Serotonin is involved in depression, anxiety, but also hunger and overeating.
Self esteem is formed from messages in childhood. High self esteem=feeling you can handle what life gives you.
Self defeating behaviors: there is a spectrum of behaviors—10% very self destructive, 10%-no dramatic effect, bell shaped curve in between. At one end are harmless habits or rituals. At the other end are addictions, compulsions, obsessions. Addiction=behavior you want to stop but can’t. Even injurious behavior may provide a reward. All addictions work for a while until you cross line and can’t quit.
Between an original event and a person’s later behavior is interpretation of the individual, and that’s not predictable. One child of an alcoholic becomes an alcoholic; another becomes a teetotaler. But everyone who comes from a troubled home pays a price.
Parental expectations: people often enter the career their parents expected. That expectation may not have been implicit; it may only have been implied. Work is how we define ourselves. Physical symptoms may point to career mismatch. By identifying key people in your early life, you can figure out what expectations guided you to become who you are today. Or take a feelings inventory-is there a dominant feeling in your life? Is it related to a person, situation, behavior?
Both optimism and pessimism can be learned or unlearned.
Masochism: a child who only knew punishment will likely create self punishment as an adult such as putting up with disrespect, being overly apologetic, fear of criticism.
Two forms of bad relationships- withdrawing and too little communication or over dependence. Remember back to relationship between your own mother and father. Was it similar to your relationships? Healthy families=parents treat each other with dignity, family is refuge, affirms unique qualities of individual, unconditional love. Dysfunctional family teaches relationships entail struggle and pain
Characteristics of addictive relationship-unrealistic expectation that the right person can fix everything; instant gratification-partner is a drug to change your mood; dishonest-both lie about who they really are; compulsive control-not let other person change; lack of trust-you don’t really love me; social isolation; recurring cycle of pain-intense pleasure to intense pain, disillusionment, blaming. To change this pattern-identify the type you get involved with and avoid like the plague, abstain from the rush.
Unintended consequences of a failed strategy-you get pain from doing same thing over and over but avoid even more pain by doing what you’re doing. Perfectionism-so afraid of making a mistake that you become paralyzed. You can’t be responsible for everything that happens to you. Nobody has that kind of power.
Notice your behavior rather than asking why. Pay attention to what is actually happening now. That allows you to interrupt repetitive behavior.
Change is possible. Therapy and medication can help. But it is easy to backslide-can’t envision our life without the behavior. Change requires letting go and leaving some things or people behind.
Wholey says don’t try to go it alone. Seek support from family, friends or a group. Have compassion for yourself. Change requires courage and humility. Keep track of your progress. Use affirmations.
Deep issues never completely go away. You must be vigilant. Stop to evaluate a situation and try to make a healthier choice when you are feeling vulnerable.
Permission to Reprint: Journalists, newsletter publishers, bloggers and others: You may reprint this summary providing you give credit to Frances O. Thomas.
Labels: addiction, book summary, change, Dennis Wholey, positive psychology
Subscribe to Posts [Atom]