Sunday, July 22, 2007
Women Who Think Too Much book summary
Women Who Think Too Much
Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, Ph.D.
Henry Holt and Company, New York, 2003
The author says women are more prone to overthinking or morbid meditation than men. Topics include appearance, family, career, health. Overthinking is toxic and interferes with ability to solve problems and can drive other people away.
Types of overthinking: 1. rant & rave-we think we’ve been wronged; 2. life of its own-we feel upset or ponder a recent event for causes; 3. chaotic-all kinds of concerns flood us at the same time.
Overthinking is not the same as worry. Worry is what if—future oriented. Overthinking is past oriented.
Overthinking is not obsessive-compulsive disorder. Those with OCD focus on external events and thoughts are unwelcome such as thoughts of germs.
Overthinking is not deep thinking. Negative emotion distorts lens and doesn’t allow us to look at any positive aspects.
Overthinking makes trauma worse, causes less support from others, contributes to depression.
Overthinking is more common in the young and middle aged. Fewer than 20 % of people born before 1915 suffered depression.
Causes of current overthinking: lack of values to guide decisions, entitlement obsession, need for quick fixes, self absorption.
To free yourself: give it a rest-use pleasant distractions, get up and get moving, create internal stop sign-interrupt yourself, set an appointment to think about a problem, pray or meditate, lean on others, commit thoughts to paper, seek out positive emotions.
Once free of overthinking, adjust focus, choose your perspective, feel pain and move on, simplify, stop comparing yourself to others, stop waiting to be rescued, brainstorm for solutions, connect to higher values, take baby steps, lower expectations, forgive, escape “shoulds.”
Avoid future traps and avoid common themes, seek expert help, let go of unhealthy goals, be good to yourself; find the story that answers your why questions through psychotherapy, biology, research; expand your roles, find new friends, create a new image.
Overthinking is common in intimate relationships.. Difficult to choose life partner if you are not sure of who you are or what you believe. Once you find a partner, don’t look for a quick fix like drugs, drink, or divorce when problems arise. Society and media give us standards that are impossible to meet. Many women still financially dependent on a partner. If not financially, may be emotionally dependent and need partner’s approval. We can never change someone else, only ourselves. Find activities to do alone but also activities to share.
Parents and siblings can evoke strong emotions. To grow into a mature adult, must acknowledge past and foibles of one’s family, decide what to embrace and what to reject.
Your children’s behavior may affect your self worth. Can’t control their behavior. Complexity of modern life makes parenting difficult. Women more often held responsible for children’s behavior than men are. Don’t compare one child to another. Base expectations on who the child is. Cultivate more complex view of each family member, strengths and weaknesses.
Workplace is ripe ground for overthinking. Less stability. Sense of entitlement-we shouldn’t have to work as hard as our parents. Comparison with others. Reliance on quick fix-everything will be better at a new job. Gender discrimination particular problem for women.
Overthinking health problems can delay seeking help, prevent getting a second opinion. Telling concerns to others helps them seem more manageable. Aim to regain sense of control over life.
Loss and trauma violates our belief that we are in control. The world isn’t just. Mourning takes time. Coping leads to personal growth, better perspective.
Our society places little value on the wisdom of the elderly. Need to learn better value system. Spend some time alone. Provide service to others. Rise above entitlement. Focus on long term goals. Join forces with other women and change self-definitions. Encourage daughters.
Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, Ph.D.
Henry Holt and Company, New York, 2003
The author says women are more prone to overthinking or morbid meditation than men. Topics include appearance, family, career, health. Overthinking is toxic and interferes with ability to solve problems and can drive other people away.
Types of overthinking: 1. rant & rave-we think we’ve been wronged; 2. life of its own-we feel upset or ponder a recent event for causes; 3. chaotic-all kinds of concerns flood us at the same time.
Overthinking is not the same as worry. Worry is what if—future oriented. Overthinking is past oriented.
Overthinking is not obsessive-compulsive disorder. Those with OCD focus on external events and thoughts are unwelcome such as thoughts of germs.
Overthinking is not deep thinking. Negative emotion distorts lens and doesn’t allow us to look at any positive aspects.
Overthinking makes trauma worse, causes less support from others, contributes to depression.
Overthinking is more common in the young and middle aged. Fewer than 20 % of people born before 1915 suffered depression.
Causes of current overthinking: lack of values to guide decisions, entitlement obsession, need for quick fixes, self absorption.
To free yourself: give it a rest-use pleasant distractions, get up and get moving, create internal stop sign-interrupt yourself, set an appointment to think about a problem, pray or meditate, lean on others, commit thoughts to paper, seek out positive emotions.
Once free of overthinking, adjust focus, choose your perspective, feel pain and move on, simplify, stop comparing yourself to others, stop waiting to be rescued, brainstorm for solutions, connect to higher values, take baby steps, lower expectations, forgive, escape “shoulds.”
Avoid future traps and avoid common themes, seek expert help, let go of unhealthy goals, be good to yourself; find the story that answers your why questions through psychotherapy, biology, research; expand your roles, find new friends, create a new image.
Overthinking is common in intimate relationships.. Difficult to choose life partner if you are not sure of who you are or what you believe. Once you find a partner, don’t look for a quick fix like drugs, drink, or divorce when problems arise. Society and media give us standards that are impossible to meet. Many women still financially dependent on a partner. If not financially, may be emotionally dependent and need partner’s approval. We can never change someone else, only ourselves. Find activities to do alone but also activities to share.
Parents and siblings can evoke strong emotions. To grow into a mature adult, must acknowledge past and foibles of one’s family, decide what to embrace and what to reject.
Your children’s behavior may affect your self worth. Can’t control their behavior. Complexity of modern life makes parenting difficult. Women more often held responsible for children’s behavior than men are. Don’t compare one child to another. Base expectations on who the child is. Cultivate more complex view of each family member, strengths and weaknesses.
Workplace is ripe ground for overthinking. Less stability. Sense of entitlement-we shouldn’t have to work as hard as our parents. Comparison with others. Reliance on quick fix-everything will be better at a new job. Gender discrimination particular problem for women.
Overthinking health problems can delay seeking help, prevent getting a second opinion. Telling concerns to others helps them seem more manageable. Aim to regain sense of control over life.
Loss and trauma violates our belief that we are in control. The world isn’t just. Mourning takes time. Coping leads to personal growth, better perspective.
Our society places little value on the wisdom of the elderly. Need to learn better value system. Spend some time alone. Provide service to others. Rise above entitlement. Focus on long term goals. Join forces with other women and change self-definitions. Encourage daughters.
Labels: book summary, overthinking, positive psychology, women
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